Stealing My Cool
by One Deranged Scribbler
Summary: A KH "parody" made for FF fans. It's post KH2 and an old face makes his way to Hollow Bastion. But what happens when Cloud and Leon have way more in common with the stranger than either of them want? Rated T for language and Cid I guess. Criticism welcome


Author's Note: Warning! This story contains spoilers for FFVII and FFX (though the latter is mostly just Auron-related). On the positive side, there is virtually nothing endangering your KH or FFVIII experience. YAY!

**Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy X, or my own soul. Don't you think I would have just made this madness part of the game if I did? (Incidentally, no, I wouldn't. I'm just not that cold-hearted.)**

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Leon leaned against the deep blue stone enclosing the giant canyon of Hollow Bastion. It was finally over. No Heartless, no Nobodies, no Organization XIII, nothing but peace and tranquility. For the time being, it seemed like Radiant Gardens would finally get that one big happy ending. With a satisfied yawn, he put his trusty Gunblade over his shoulder and walked back into town.

_I could get used to the quiet life_, the young man thought, allowing his gloved fingers to run along the half-erected walls.

"LEON! Leon, come quick!"

"Yuffie?" Tightening his grip on his weapon, Leon picked up speed, running as fast as he was able back to the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee main base. "Yuffie!"

The clumsy ninja pulled him into an alley, putting a finger to her lips to silence his protests. "_Shhhh!_"

"But what—?!"

Leon's question was interrupted by a spray of sparks as a blonde-haired man was slammed hard against the wall across from his hiding place, the Buster Sword dragging across the ground in a brilliant spray of sparks. His red-garbed opponent watched him from afar, one hand gripping his sword and the other buried in his robe.

Cloud bared his teeth and snarled with rage and rose from the rubble, his bandaged broadsword smashing into the man's narrower weapon with amazing force. His opponent did not break and quickly regained his old ground, his stance utterly relaxed in comparison to the stiffened boy before him.

"Not good enough, kid," he said with a grin. "I thought you were mad at me."

"I'LL KILL YOU!!" Cloud screamed, charging forward again. "Carrying around an oversized blade and only putting one arm in its sleeve! You think I don't know what you're trying to do?! You even stole my shoulder cover idea!"

The older man laughed, throwing the blonde warrior away with a sweeping slash of his sword. "_Your_ idea? Got any proof you had it first, kid?"

"ARRRRGGGGH!!" The boy's black clothing flapped wildly as he tried a new assault. "You know _nothing_!" he roared, pushing the man back with a wild flurry of moves. "Have you ever saved the world from an effeminate, white-haired psycho who just refused to die? Have you?!"

"His hair was blue, actually," Auron muttered, countering the assault with a violent wave of his own.

"Oh…Oh yeah?" Cloud stammered, holding himself uncertainly as he scrounged around for something that might prove his superiority. "W-Well, did his name start with an S?"

"Try 'Seymour,'" the swordsman replied, his metal-plated shoes spewing gravel as they broke through the damaged pavement. "And he wasn't even a final boss."

Yuffie shrieked as their fight came dangerously near the alleyway. She had never seen Cloud look quite so vicious. "Don't let him get to you, Cloud!" she cheered, "You're sure to have him beat in angst!"

The spiky-haired young man gave a victorious half-smile. "That's right! No one can beat the torment of a brainwashed amnesiac!"

"I'm_dead_," Auron countered, throwing his shoulder into Cloud's chest and forcing him into a wall.

The boy's eyes rolled into the back of his head as he gasped for breath. With a grim smile, the man removed his hand from its place in his robe and scratched vaguely at his graying stubble. "Can I take this as your surrender?"

"N-Never…" Cloud breathed, struggling to stand and resume fighting. "At least…always…_prettier_ than you…"

"That's enough!" Leon yelled at last, leading Yuffie behind him. Calmly, he moved between the older warrior and the younger, trying his hardest to appear both deadly and rational. "Don't tell me you two are really fighting over — Wait a minute…What the hell is that?"

"Eh?" Auron said vaguely, straightening again and throwing his bushido blade over his shoulder.

"You have a scar! And that stance_…_" Flustered, Leon removed his Gunblade from its usual place atop his shoulder, put off by the familiar way this other man carried himself. Even worse was the scar. A slash across the nose was cool, but compared to one across the _eye_…? The swordsman scowled. This…this _old man _was making him look bad! "You...You stole my thing!"

"Leon, what are you doing? You're supposed to be _stopping_the fight," Yuffie reminded him, backing away nervously.

"Shut up, Yuffie! This is personal." Leon cocked his weapon and pointed it directly at the other man's chest.

"Heh. You're joking right?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

Auron snorted, "…Whatever."

"_STOP THAT!!!!"_ Leon screamed, losing control. "Stop stealing my life!"

Forgetting about Cloud, the two scarred men attacked in a rush of blades and bullets. Slightly off-guard at the threat of both a sword and gunman, Auron stayed on the defensive. Using his sword both a shield and a point of separation from the incensed Leon, he slowly lured the man into a corner.

"Squall, look out!" Yuffie screamed from the sidelines.

"For the last time, don't call me that!" Leon replied, too distracted by the ninja's shouting to notice the back of Auron's sword come rushing toward his ribcage. His knees buckled as blinding pain washed through him, the distinct sound of bones snapping in two ringing in his ears. "Aaaaugh," he moaned, dropping his Gunblade and gripping his side. "You…you stoic _bastard_."

The other warrior graced Yuffie with a crippling glare. When she backed away far enough, he slowly returned the blade to his shoulder. "People here are touchy, eh?"

"Shut…_up_," Leon panted, struggling vainly to rise to his feet. "Who…asked you…_old ma—?"_

The young man was thrown to the ground as a door came flying off its hinges, an irate Cid Highwind standing solidly in the doorframe with a baking sheet of cookies clenched tightly in his hands. "FOR THE LAST TIME," he bellowed, "I'M THIRTY-FIVE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME, BOY?!?! _Thirty-five!!!!"_

Auron stayed frozen where he was, his usually serious frown sagging into a misshapen O as his jaw went slack.

"Oh…" Cid grinned guiltily, his nicotine-stained teeth holding his characteristic stick of wood in place. "Oops."

"Are those…cookies?" Yuffie asked blankly, cautiously making her way closer.

"Keep your mitts off, they ain't for you! The moogle wouldn't shaddup unless I made him some gingerbread cactuars." He cocked his head in the direction of the house he had just stormed from.

A small, red-nosed creature waved absently at them, his purple puffball lowered in apparent fear. _"Kupo, kupo."_

"Yeah, yeah! They ain't goin' nowhere, quit your whining!" Cid squinted hard at the wreckage around him, taking in Cloud and Leon's thoroughly battered frames and Auron's apparent good health wordlessly for a long moment. "…You," he said at last, bringing his attention back to warrior. "You're what, in your mid-forties?"

The man gave one short nod, his posture tightening suspiciously. "So?"

"So that makes you the old one!" Cid grinned maniacally, nearly dropping his baking sheet to the ground in his excitement. "Come in, come in! Have a cookie, have eight cookies!"

Yuffie's eyes bulged in disbelief. "B-But…but Cid! Look at what he did to Cloud and Leon!!"

"Oh, that reminds me. Pick those two up and throw them on one of the beds, will ya? They bother me." Ignoring the rest of the ninja's objections, the pilot led the older warrior in, shoving the gingerbread at the moogle as he threw a friendly arm over the man's shoulder. "So, in your forties, are you?"

"You could say that. Age isn't really important once your body dies and your spirit moves to the Farplane."

"So you're dead?"

"Yes."

"Then you won't mind if I smoke, I take it? After all those years of chain-smoking, it's been really hard for me to kick the habit."

Auron shrugged, "Go right ahead. I used to drink myself, back on Spira."

Cid looked at the red-robed swordsman with tears in his eyes, deaf to Yuffie's gasping breaths as she struggled to carry Cloud inside. "Where have you been all my life? Here, take another cookie!"

And, as the two men and the moogle munched on their gingerbread cactuars, they smiled.

Hollow Bastion was finally at peace.

---

_Elsewhere…_

Riku walked through the darkness quietly, enjoying the absolute silence as he moved through the shadows. His pulse quickened inexplicably, as though he could feel the presence of some invisible being following his every move.

Frustrated with the sensation, he stopped and turned around, searching carefully for the sign of another life form. The faint sound of music twinkled in the distance, seeming to steadily increase in volume as he stayed where he was.

"Is that…Latin?" he wondered aloud, straining to hear as the chorus cried in the background.

The air around him rippled in response to the question, and a winged man appeared, his long silver hair draping elegantly around him. Seemingly oblivious to Riku's drawn weapon, he stepped forward purposely.

"I have heard quite a bit about you, boy," the man said quietly, moving his hand to the hilt of the long katana at his hip. "Riku, isn't it?"

"Who's asking?"

The chorus swelled in response. "Who am I?" the man asked, enjoying the way his voice sent chills down the younger man's spine. "I am the first to have opened my arms to the darkness…the first to don this glorious head of hair."

The teenager's free hand moved to his own silver locks. "I take it you're here to congratulate me on the improvements I've made?"

Sephiroth did not smile back. "No, boy, I am here to deliver an ultimatum: I expect you to dye or…_die_."

"Dye my perfectly conditioned hair? Yeah, right," Riku swung his Keyblade threateningly, "over my dead, fan-girl worthy body."

"That can be arranged," the other man vowed, spreading his long black wing and unsheathing Masamune. "After all…"

"There can be…"

"ONLY ONE!" the two cried, charging toward each other.

_And a new battle for cool begins… _

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_TO BE CONTINUED?!?!?!_

Heh. No...I'm not quite that lame yet. Much thanks to DreamlessRiver for her support. Go read her stuff! Or...review. Whatever.


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